i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
