my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
