Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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