Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
