I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
