if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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