my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
