how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
