why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
