he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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