dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
