It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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