i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
