i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
