I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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