Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
