I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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