You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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