it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
