Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
