..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
