I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
