fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
