i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
