his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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