Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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