just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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