pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
