don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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