hotel room ftw
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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