the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
