awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
