If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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