I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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