Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I wear drunk well.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
