Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
