We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
