I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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