The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
