So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
