The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
