My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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