My room smells like vodka and shame
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
