rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
