It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
