guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
