Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
