btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We're too hungover to prance.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
