my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
