the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize