Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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