so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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