Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i came on her dog
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
