apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize