So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
