Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
