if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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