I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Oh god it's open bar.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
